People are annoying, as anyone caught in Monday's tube strike can attest, however one type stands like a colossus over all other beings when it comes to getting on ones
goat..THE MUSICIAN!
Below is a list of things all musical people do which cause mental pain for us normals. "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone"...OK then:
Other members of a band who are not the singer mouthing the words to songs as they play.
Playing covers on London Underground to "entertain" commuters who look like they want to stab them.
Using words like "passionate' and "spiritual" when they talk about music.
Arriving late.
Saying they have no interest in money before selling all the tracks from their concept album about the Holocaust to advertise Special K.
Saying that "every other studio they have been in" lets them run over time without charging extra, eat flaky pasties over the mixer and order everybody about like they are their personal slaves...well fuck off to those studios then!
Having tattoos and torn clothing despite being neither a sailor or poor.
Playing expensive instruments despite being unable to strum an A chord.
Customising said expensive instruments to make them look older and more played..just play it doosh bag.
Testing out guitars in shops.
Saying they like "all music".
Saying their music is "hard to describe", it isn't, it sounds like Coldplay.
Saying they sound a bit like "Jamiroquai", like that's a good thing.
Pretending to be interested in politics and other people.
Pretending to be younger than they are.
Going on and on and on about how much they worship Bob Dylan, Bob Marley, Bobby Womack and if American, Bob Smith (The Cure).
Jamming in E.
Saying "what's wrong with a heavy blues jam?"
Saying music is "not about the technique but the feeling..maaan".
Conversely sending you videos of someone playing Mozart's Requiem on a triple neck sitar at 500 bpm like this is anything to do with music.
Having dreadlocks or saying "aks" when they are not black, street or in anyway rasta.
When successful appearing on Jools Holland.
"Discovering" someone you have listen to for years and droning on about them in the NME.
Being Damon Albarn.
Having hair and glasses like Morrissey.
Saying that music is "a universal language".
Closing their eyes when playing or singing.
Saying they have "connections" or "contacts" in the industry...they don't.
Saying they will produce you if you give them the publishing for all your songs.
Asking how to make their music "louder like on records".
Covering classic deathless songs so badly you wish to stick a screw driver in your ears every time you subsequently hear the original.
Wearing Misfits T-Shirts when they don't like the Misfits..who does?
Telling engineers to make their guitar "sound more purple".
Indie musicians who start listening to jazz and classical music and let this "influence" their "new direction".
Inviting you to their gigs.
Asking you what you thought of their gigs.
Making terrible music no one wants to hear, while the world slides towards capitalist totalitarian world government and the planet dies screaming.
maningrey
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